Make no mistake. Coming out in America is still a high-risk venture.
Yes, public attitudes are changing substantially to be more supportive of LGBT people. But in many parts of the United States, LGBT people have little or no protection under the law. Outright hatred still exists; so do violent hate crimes. Even in the absence of violence, many people who come out find themselves being “tolerated” (in the way that getting a tooth pulled is tolerated), as if that were acceptable. Because of all this, coming out—particularly for people who haven’t done it, or have come out to just one or two people—can be intimidating if not downright terrifying. It is hard not to feel vulnerable or exposed.
When someone comes out to you, then, it is essential to respond in a way that creates a sense of safety and makes everyone involved BIG. You can, for instance:
Take a breath…and pause. Make space for the news to settle in. After all, what you are hearing is important: it is about nothing less than the person’s identity. No matter what your personal views are, the news will almost surely make an impact on you. A moment’s pause allows you to refocus and respond from your best self.
Acknowledge the courage—and the gift. This person chose you as someone important to come out to. The level of trust and intimacy expressed in this choice is a priceless gift. Speak your thanks for that gift and the courage it took to give it.
Listen deeply, speak thoughtfully. Let the individual tell her or his story in her or his way—or not tell it at all. The person may have wanted simply to tell you with no
drama, fanfare, or explanation. After all, how often do heterosexuals feel compelled to tell the stories of how they discovered and shared their heterosexuality? So express interest, ask if the person wants to share more, but tread lightly.
Ask where the person has come out. In the workplace? At home? In the community? Has this individual been out for a while, or is this new for her or him? Knowing more about the person’s coming-out process will inform your role in helping her or him stay safe. It also affects the next point:
Be clear on confidentiality. Is this a secret for your ears only? If not, with whom can you share the news? On such a sensitive topic, gaining clarity on the person’s needs for confidentiality is essential for her or his safety.
Express your commitment to the relationship. Many people who come out fear rejection above all else. Make it clear that you care about the person, welcome her or his presence, and will continue the relationship no matter what. Then follow through on that promise. In fact, this may be a good time to provide even more support, as the person may have lost others in her or his support network who have not reacted well.
How you approach these steps and others, of course, depends on the individual who is coming out, the type of relationship you have, and other factors. Whatever the specifics, your acceptance, your support, and your acknowledgment of her or his courage can provide a sense of safety that many LGBT people need in the process of coming out.








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